I want my plaque back!

It had been 3 and a half years since I'd seen a dentist, and I was reminded exactly why that was yesterday as my gums were poked by the most sadistic dental hygienist to ever fail dental school. I really liked the dentist himself, he was so nice and jovial as he shoved his hands into my mouth, asking me questions all the while, to which I responded "Arroh horl guh". Apparently he liked me so much that he wanted to become a part of the Kason fan club, or at least I think that's what he meant by saying "inclusion" three times while he yanked on my tongue.

Honestly though, I have never left a dental cleaning with such aching teeth. The problem was that the hygienist lady was actually a cyborg. On the outside she looked just like a regular Wisconsin-grown middle aged lady, but once she had me tied down to the chair and had conned me into opening my mouth, thousands of tiny steel pokers extended from her fingers and slithered their way into my jaw via my gums. I think the reason I let her get away with it is that she had fried my brain with the x-ray machine for half an hour before the gum drilling began. Why is it they cover your heart and intestines with a lead shield, hide behind the wall and zap you in the head without providing a brain shield? Then came the lecture. No, I don't floss. Ever. I lied to The Terminator that I floss about once a week...but I know she was on to me. Here's the reason why I don't floss. Sara is like the queen of oral hygiene, and it takes her ten minutes to floss each night. Ten minutes per night adds up to over 2.5 full days of flossing per year. I'd much rather endure the half hour of tooth prodding and annual flossing lecture. If we were to take the 2.5 days worth of flossing from the hundred or so people in America that actually do it, we could probably use that time to cure cancer.

And one more thing. I've got one of those permanent retainers on my bottom teeth, and I have been working hard for years to get it full of plaque so its nice and smooth. Now all that nasty build-up is gone, and it's like a tongue magnet for some weird reason. I can't quit licking at it and now my tongue hurts a lot! I want my plaque back!

Wow, so clearly this is a touchy subject for me. To lighten the mood, I now leave you with my new favorite commercial on the TV. I have no clue why I like this song, it really ought to be the most annoying song I've ever heard, but for some reason I can't get enough of it, probably because it's been stuck in my head for nearly two weeks. I've never had a Fillet-o-fish, but I really want one now.